Relationships: Relationship Building & Management

Verbal Abuse In Marriage - It's Cognitive Dissidence and A Verbal Attack

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D, our official Abusive Relationships Expert

"Why do I believe what he has shouted at me over the years...even though a part of me knows it not to be true?" Men and women alike ask this question, again and again. Sound familiar to you?Imagine going about your day and all being relatively well. Then out of the blue your partner steps in and hits you with a verbal rant about how you are such____ and such____. And your being so is responsible for his/her disastrous predicament. It's all your fault!

Now here's the issue. This image happens routinely--weekly, monthly, year after year. What might this do to you or to anyone in these shoes?

Verbal Abuse Language, Belief and Feeling

Over time the piercing words work their way into your subconscious, and you hear them in the absence of your abusive partner. It's as though this little voice picks up where he/she left off, carrying on the negative tune. You hear it over and over again.

So, you experience the toxic message from the inside out and outside in. Yet, you know on a deeper level that this message is garbage. It simply is not true. From here you are torn as the cognitive dissidence soars.

Read Jeanne's entire article Why Do You Believe the Verbal Abuse In Marriage? - Cognitive Dissidence and The Verbal Attack

Legal Domestic Abuse - The Rape of Women by Their Divorce Lawyers

Dr. Jeanne King, our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Affluent battered mothers and divorce attorneys are a receipt for rape in the rawest form--legal abuse in domestic violence divorce. Now this doesn't mean that divorce lawyers are rapists or that domestic abuse victims are an accident waiting to happen. What it means is that the dynamics between these two groups of people are ripe for a classic rape. Here's why...

Battered Women and Divorce

Battered women are both empowered and vulnerable on the threshold of divorce court. They experience the exhilaration of being out from under their perpetrator's control, at least in the home. You can actually feel the burden of oppression lifted from their spirit at the prospect of their sweeping the eggshells from the kitchen floor.

They walk in the world with this new-found relief as they open to experiencing themselves in a new way beyond the grip of their abusive relationship. The optimism, innocence and habits of victimization that they bring with them sets them up for their next controlling relationship--the one with their divorce lawyer.

Read Jeanne's entire article Legal Domestic Abuse - The Rape of Affluent Battered Women by Their Divorce Lawyers

Signs that Can Save the Emotional Verbal Abuse Survivor

Dr. Jeanne King, our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Emotional verbal abuse can confuse and complicate an abusive relationship. See these signs for what they are before they spiral into physical abuse and before they spiral out of control. 

 

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Eliminating Controlling People - Ask Me Until You Wear Me Down

Have you noticed how some people will ask you to do something and you tell them "no," you can't do that on that day. And then they ask you again and again...and again. Sound familiar? It probably does, if you are dealing with controlling people.

It's as though--in their mind--if they keep asking, eventually they will get the answer they desire. And, in a weak moment, you may even give it to them just to stop "the asking."

Read Dr. King's entire article Eliminating Controlling People - Ask Me Until You Wear Me Down

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Emotional Psychological Abuse: Who Knows What's Best for You?

"I know what's best for you...better than you do." Sound familiar?

If you are in an intimate relationship that has emotional psychological abuse, you know this message, whether delivered directly or indirectly. The message says, "You need to trust my wisdom--over your own--regarding issues specific to you."

Now, when you are living in an abusive relationship, you even come to recognize the subtle reinforcement "routine" employed to help you buy into this propaganda. You might observe reprimand or the withholding of something you desire when you resist the other person's conclusions/recommendations. And conversely, you are showered with positive "reinforcers" when you yield to the believe system.

Read Dr. King's entire article Emotional Psychological Abuse: Who Knows What's Best for You?

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Relationship Conflict - Empathy and Healing Abuse in Controlling Relationships

"When I speak my pain and you give me your pain or your excuse to have pained me, I hurt the same...and sometimes more." Sound familiar?

When domestic violence victims rally up the nerve to voice their inner ache with the person that has violated them, many things can happen. They can be heard or not heard, by the other and by themselves.

Giving Voice to Your Hurt

Let's look at what happens when they are not heard by the person they feel has hurt them. Imagine this: You bring up and out an incident that you have been struggling with for weeks, months or years.

Read Dr. King's entire article Relationship Conflict - Empathy and Healing Abuse in Controlling Relationships

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Controlling Spouse and Financial Empowerment - Access vs. Control

Have you ever noticed how controlling people enjoy using money to control their loved ones? It's as though they like the roll of "dolling out the cash," all awhile knowing how it inspires financial dependency.

And those on the receiving end both love and hate it. They like their access to money dolled out, but hate the "waiting" period just before the allowance is due. They don't like the vulnerability that they experience in themselves, knowing that their access to funds is truly out of their hands.

The Lessons Learned through Financial Dependency

Now the irony here in relationships characterized by this dynamic of financial dependency is that neither party is really happy. The financially dependent person suffers from their lack of autonomy and self-sufficiency.

Read Dr. King's entire article Controlling Spouse and Financial Empowerment - Access vs. Control

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Friend's Abusive Relationship - How You Can Help Your Friend in an Abusive Relationship

When you are the friend of someone in an abusive relationship, stop and hold reverence for the blessing that you are. Why? You are the best person to help; that is, until you can get her/him to professional help.

We find when friends of domestic abuse survivors reach out on their friend's behalf, they are in the best position to create a positive outcome for the person being abused.

First of all, friends that still have access to domestic abuse survivors have the best leveraging ability . . . certainly more leveraging than parents of the abused.

Read Dr. King's entire article Friend's Abusive Relationship - How You Can Help Your Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Healing for Verbal and Emotional Abuse: 3 Secrets to Effective Affirmations

Affirmations, affirmations, affirmations. We've heard how important they are to the engineering of one's life. We've heard how essential they are to manifesting one's desires. Why do they work at times and fail to be realized at other times?

I believe it has more to do with how the affirmation is played in your mind's eye that causes it to work or not...that causes the thought to transform into action/creation or not.

If you are a domestic abuse survivor you will want to know this little secret about the proper way to use affirmations to regain your emotional well-being after an abusive relationship.

Read Dr. King's entire article Healing for Verbal and Emotional Abuse: 3 Secrets to Effective Affirmations

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert

Controlling Relationships and the Look of Anticipated Conquest

Why do controlling people look and behave a lot like drug addicts just before they score? First, have you ever noticed that they do? I have.

I see this in peoples' intimate relationships and in their family relationships. In fact, when I observe it, it becomes diagnostic of a "controlling relationship."

It's very much about the conquest...the accomplishment...obtaining what one is seeking.

Read Dr. King's entire article Controlling Relationships and the Look of Anticipated Conquest

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.d., our official Abusive Relationships Expert