"Let me tell you how defective you are" is a strategy that will yield a disconnection. Whereas, "here is what I need from you" lends itself to connection, communion and communication in marriage.
In domestic abuse counseling, couples find that the former is a relationship compromiser and the latter is a relationship enhancer. And learning this lesson is transformational to the individuals, as well as to the relationship.
Read Dr. King's entire article Communication in Marriage - Eliminating Judgments and Fulfilling Needs The Abuse Therapy
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
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